Radio Station KFKD

LE POST!

First. There - was - DRAMA last night. I mean.  And it was not Jag-drama, it was someone-else-drama. That Jag was involved with. Unintentionally. That's all I want to say about it (on the blog. Face-to-face or on AIM... y'all might be hearing about it).

Mmmkay. So anyway, I wake up to a text from Said Person, and have a minor (very minor!) melt-down. Melt-down --> craving for pancakes. Did not eat them!! Guess what I did instead? READ A BOOK! Namely, finished a book that I had started reading at work (Women, Food, and God). And you know what? It worked. It worked! Craving went away. Was I hungry when I had the craving? No. Did that make me want them any less? Only a little, because (as a result of reading said book) I did have the presence of mind to realize that the (minor) emotional trauma was the reason why I wanted food, and not because of any physiological need. So the day went on without further melt-down.

Tomorrow, I am joining the gym and officially starting the Green Smoothies Diet. I had my first one today though! Check me out:

 Pardon the jacked-up hair, I had not looked in the mirror all day.

= yogurt, strawberries, orange, Truvia, and... ZUCCHINI!

So yeah. I'm excited for it. 

ONTO THE MEAT OF IT (though I shan't be consuming any for awhile!)

Roth writes:

"Most of us are so enthralled with the scary tigers in our minds - our stories of loneliness, rejection, grief - that we don't realize they are in the past. They can't hurt us anymore. When we realize that the stories we are haunted by are simply that - stories - we can be with what we actually feel directly, now, in our bodies... And by being in immediate contact with what we feel... We see that we are so much more than any particular feeling..."

 I was kind of floored at that. I've been allowing myself to be controlled by and chained to this past self that, while it does have an influence on who I am, who I've become, is not that by which I am defined. It is not set in stone, unchangeable, for all of eternity, just because I had 2 bad years.

This morning, as I was reading, the quote that finally turned me around and made the tears stop flowing (yes, I was crying and reading simultaneously), was when Roth says that we, as women who are emotionally-influenced eaters, "need to remember two things: to eat what [we] want when [we're] hungry and to feel what [we] feel when [we're] not." Before that point, I had just been white-knuckling the choice to not go make pancakes. After I read that sentence, I stopped myself, checked in with my belly, it said it was not hungry. So then I checked in with Jag. What's happening here? I feel sad. What is the worst that can come of being sad? I'll cry. You are crying. Is it so bad? I guess not. Will the crying eventually stop? Yes. Will it still hurt while it's happening? Yes. Will you cry again? Yes. Will those tears be any scarier or more unbearable?  No. And that was it. I went on to have a fairly productive and happy day. I didn't have the urge to binge tonight, or to reward myself for resisting earlier temptation.

Insofar as the subject of this post, which I wonder if you were wondering about, Anne Lamott is cited in Roth's book as originating the phrase. Radio Station KFKD (sound it out in your  head, it took me awhile to "get" it, ha) is that Voice in your head. The berating one. The one who tells you how worthless and hopeless and irredeemable you are. From Freud's perspective, it is the superego, the parent, the inner critic. I was so relieved to read this as I realized that KFKD has been rulin' my waves for my entire life. For me, KFKD is an essential aspect of my self-identity. When I don't listen to KFKD, my life collapses around me (see: the past months since Thanksgiving). I work with this voice, I feed off of its negative energy as a competitive challenge. So this was one aspect of the book in which I disagreed with Roth, even though I loved the way it was called, and I think I will start referring to it as such on this blog.

Another part that really stuck out to me (and I don't really know any of y'all's childhoods well enough to know if it would be applicable or not) was this:

"Parents... pass on their own definitions of success and spirituality, love and creativity, which are inevitably out of sync with their child's unique needs.

Children are tropistic; they grow in the direction of light and attention. That which is ignored in childhood does not develop. If a child is valued for her accomplishments, she will learn to value what she does more than who she is..."

 I know this adjustment between my parents' definition of me and my definition of me was probably one of the major factors contributing to the development of my eating disorder, accentuated by an extended period of living out home and not "moving out" (I put it in quotes, b/c, really, how many college-aged kids move out and 100% support themselves? precious few). Who am I, where am I, what do I want, I think that my ability to answer these questions for myself and tear myself away from my parents' answers of them has been greatly handicapped and really is just now starting to reveal itself to me. I'm a small clone of my mother, really, I am. In a lot of ways. Not all.

Which brings me to my final point, the point at which I pointed and laughed and cried "SHE KNOWS ME! BITCH STALKED ME TO WRITE THIS BOOK!":

"There are two kinds of compulsive eaters: Restrictors and Permitters.

Restrictors believe in control. Of themselves, their food intake, their environments. And whenever possible, they'd also like to control the entire world. Restrictors operate on the conviction that chaos is imminent and steps need to be taken now to minimize its impact... if I limit my food intake, I limit my body size. If I limit my body size, I (believe I can) limit my suffering. If I limit my suffering, I can control my life. I make sure that bad things don't happen. The chaos stays away... If less of me shows, that's less to get hurt. If I cut myself off at the knees, then I won't have far to fall when someone else brings out their sword.

 ...Permitters find any kind of rules abhorrent... They are suspicious of programs, guidelines, eating charts... Permitters prefer going through life in a daze. That way, they don't need to feel pain - theirs or anyone else's. If I'm not aware of it, there's nothing to fix... I don't need to be concerned about the future because I won't be aware of it. If I give up trying, I won't be disappointed when I fail... Permitters merge with [the chaos]. They see no point in controlling the uncontrollable and have decided that it's best to be blurry and numb and join the party... their lives depend on denial in the same way that Restrictors' lives depend on deprivation."

 Where are you?