I call dibs on the middle silhouette!!

HELLO GIRLS!

First I'd like to say that this evening was quite possibly the longest I've gone without compulsively checking my phone in awhile. Yay.

OK SO. Here we are. We have our start date (it was 19 minutes ago at midnight). And here we are again:

So, that's me on the right. Just in case anyone stumbles across this ol' thing, you can call me "Jaguar." *giggle*


My story: I have anorexia nervosa. I am not "an anorexic;" that is not where my identity lies. I'm not proud of it, but it's been too long being ashamed of being sick and hiding it. It's a sucky feeling to feel like you fail at the very basis of existence, providing sustenance for one's self. Eating. It's food, it's nourishment, and yet it's loaded with SO FRIGGIN' MUCH connotation and unneeded emotional meaning.

Long story short, restricted and compulsively exercised for a year, lost ~45 lb, went to treatment, spent a few months in limbo, and started binge-eating at Thanksgiving, 2009. Have been struggling with that since then. Gained almost 60 lb in ~4 mo? which shot me almost 20 lb above my goal weight, b/c I have not been able to stop overeating since. I've made progress... and we do say we strive for progress, not perfection, but I'd still like to not be stuck as prisoner to this demon for the rest of my life.

I am starting over - I'm shedding my skin, my thought processes, my self-perception, my very identity. I'm tired of having this evil Other rule me. It led me to lose the person most important to me, sever bonds with my family that are still in repair, robbed me of my self-esteem, sent me into a downward sinking spiraling hole of doom that, if it weren't for my incredibly amazing faithful friends, I might never have been able to extricate myself.

I feel for the first time in probably 2+ years that I am regaining a sense of who I am, what I want in life, what is important to me, what I'm passionate about. I feel  joyful again, I feel hope. Every day is a fight, every hour a battle, but again, for the first time since I got mired down in this mess, I feel like the fight is worth it. I have people that are worth fighting for, now. I am worth fighting for.

I feel scarred, beaten, broken, bruised, and shattered, naked, lacking in identity. I was stripped of everything and everyone that was important to me, and I can't even begin to express the regret and guilt that I feel towards everyone that I hurt. But for some reason, for someone, for something, for some big, terrifying, unknown future, I feel like I'm worth redemption.

My goals:

• This week (ending 4/10)
• Walk at least 30 min every day
• No binging, no restricting (~1,600 kcal/day)
• Blog every day
• Be honest with myself

• This month
• Continue to meet with the Top Guns (1x/wk?)
• Lose 5-8 lb
• Continue & add on to weekly goals
• By June
• Be gym-ing 3-4x/wk
• Lose 2-5 more lb

And, for posterity's sake:

Let's get back there, hm?