I don't *do* inspirational photos...

It's never been about looking good or accomplishing a goal. It's about having control.

Why is it that I have to completely bottom the fuck out in order to come to any learning experiences?

BUT. Here's my bright and shiny for today:

I'm FREE.

I'm free. Since August, my focus was (and much thanks to Potamy for having a bitch-fest with me last night!) on "What can I do to make me good enough for him to love me again." Gain weight? Ok. Act like I've solved all my problems and was back to the bright 'n' shiny doll he knew 5 years ago? Ok. Pretend like I'd given up all my food issues and never had an interest in dieting again and was happy at the weight where I am? Ok.

Did it work for him? No. Did it work for me? Double No.

What was happening? I was torturing myself to try and conform to this ideal of myself that I thought he wanted to see, and thought that would fix everything, because if he loved me again, I'd love me again. Did it work? No. Did it increase my own self-hatred and perception of perpetual brokenness? Yes.

"Who am I? I'm JEAN VALJEAN!!!!"

No but seriously. Who am I?
 

I like eating healthy (no one "loves" eating healthy...) because I feel am energized.

I love exercising because I feel am strong.

I love musicals because I feel am dramatic.

I love working because I feel am responsible.

I love books because I feel am imaginative.

I love learning because I am intelligent.

I love the sun because I am joyful.

I love myself because I AM THE ONLY ME I'VE GOT.

And I honestly did just go through that list and start out writing the "feel"s. I paused at "responsible" and had the revelation of "Oh my God... I don't just feel responsible... I am. Why? Not just because I say I am, but because I have evidence - indisputable evidence - that I am." how many people are in my nursing class? 40? out of how many hundred applicants? And I'm one of them? I don't just feel intelligent, I am.  I am!

I am!!

When have I ever said that before in the past several years? When have I even thought it? I haven't! I haven't. And you know what... people like me for who I am. People love me for who I am. They don't love me because I'm thin, or for what I've done.They don't love me because I'm putting on the face of whoever I think they might like me to be, whoever I think that would be perceived as the most likable to them without any regards for my own happiness.

I woke up this morning after a (as you all know) very traumatic Thursday through Saturday. I woke up, and I thought to myself, what would I like to do today? I wanted pancakes for breakfast, so I made them.  A couple hours later I was hungry again, and I wanted migas, so I made them, pushing aside the "ZOMG you had breakfast already, you don't need another!"

Then I thought, I think I'd like to read a book. So I finished Twilight (and, um, loved it. Last 12 chapters straight through, no breaks, riveting).

Then I thought, hey, the sun has come out. I'd like to lay out in the sun. So I did. 2.5 hours. I did NOTHING. I just laid there listening to LND and Les Mis. Did I feel guilty for not studying? No. Did I beat myself up because I wasn't doing "anything productive"? No!

I was hungry for lunch. Did I want to deny myself lunch because I'd eaten so much today already? A little. Did I actually do it? No. Nana had brought brownies over. I wanted one. Same thought process. I enjoyed them.

Just now I was trying to go back and beat myself up for the pancakes again. What did I tell me? 

"I am a healthy person. I take pride in myself and take care of myself because I'm worth it. I enjoyed the pancakes, but that does not mean I will eat them or even will want to eat them every day." 

I am a healthy person. That has always been part of my identity. It's who I am. (I know most of you remember ribbing me for exercising so much and eating so healthy (pre-ED. ED times not counted.).) What I did was necessary to get back to where I am now. 

I am here.

There's just no sense in agonizing over the woulda, coulda, shoulda; self-loathing where I am, who I am, what I've become. I am here. This is where I am. And I will get to where I am going. It is clearly by a path I would never have picked out for myself. But it is what it is.

I will fix my eating
I will become an RN
I will be loved again

But for what it's worth...

= Jag on Xenadrine!!!!