I am so frustrated right now, again.
One of the deans of the weekend program sent me an e-mail last night expressing concern over my pharmacy grade, and then when I e-mailed my professor about the final exam this morning, he sent me back an e-mail basically saying "you shouldn't even be passing, really."
I've been busting my ass since January. I've had ISSUES in every single aspect of my life. I feel like, ending this semester, all I can say is that I got out alive.And you know what, before last night, that was enough for me. I wasn't happy about it, but I wasn't upset about it, either. It just Was. But after those 2 e-mails, I'm dragged down everywhere; I don't feel like I've made any progress in life whatsoever, not with the grandma issue, the food issue, the self-EVERYTHING issue. I'm just here, 3.5 months later, 20 lb fatter.
I can't conjure any reason to keep trying except to not fail the semester (grades-wise, b/c I've already failed myself), and who's to say that THAT'S even possible with the pharmacology issue. I feel dead. I might as well be.
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How have you already failed yourself, school wise? If you don't fail the semester, I mean. I'm just not sure what it is you expect out of yourself. Perfection, in every aspect, immediately?
ReplyDeleteAnd my goodness, if you're expecting major life changes and progress every couple of months, you're gonna live your life being disappointed. Sometimes you have to go with the flow. You can work towards change, but life doesn't happen that quickly. It just doesn't.
Have you ever worked so hard for anything as I do for everything?
ReplyDeleteTo receive a confirmation of the "not good enough" tune that chants through your head on a constant basis, that wouldn't upset you? Not even just as you're coming to a delicate and tenuous acceptance of the concept of "maybe I don't have to be perfect all the time"?
This has not been a "couple months," just because that's all the time you've been aware of it.
It's not about losing the weight, it's not about gaining the weight; it's not about passing school, it's not about failing school. It's about fucking living a life, that which I've never been able to accomplish.
But no, inability to be at peace with yourself and accept yourself is totally not something worth being frustrated with.
No, you definitely misunderstood me if you interpreted that I meant it wasn't legitimate for you to feel frustrated or upset. I would never try and tell you that the feelings you have aren't valid, that's ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteI have been aware of it for more than a couple of months. The couple of months I mentioned because you had said "busting my ass since January", so I decided just to talk about this sliver of time... following your example. Just this semester.
"Living a life" is what you're doing. Positive or negative aspects, you are living a life right now and you always have been. THIS is life. This is the way life is. Just like everyone else lives. You shouldn't decide that it's not a legitimate life because you have aspects you are unhappy with. If you were in jail or homeless... maybe then I could consider you as having "failed" in some way, or as not really living your life. As it is, I think you are equating living a life with living a perfectly satisfied and content life, being "whole" or something. Which is just not the way it works.
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ReplyDeleteI hate to say but I know how you feel. I may not be able to share right now but I do understand .... sorry I'm not much help. I am liking just keeping everything inside ... Hopefully one day I will be as strong as you are and I will let out even a little of what you are letting out. Life is hard. You have ambition, goals and you try hard at everything. That is most of the battle Jaguar. Anyone looking in from the outside can see what a successful person you are. You may not be perfect at everything but no one is.... you may not think you are getting better but remember that you will always be your worst critic and you should take into account all the WONDERFUL things others say about you. Give it a little more time.... I know its hard but give it even more time (sucks huh). You are very far from failing. Keep your head up Jaguar. I promise if you keep trying this hard things will get better eventually and you will be able to see yourself blossom into the person you want to be.
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