There, I dropped the bomb, and seriously my pulse is racing and my stomach is in a knot and I'm having trouble breathing. But it's out. It's OUT.

Excerpt:
[22:01] She: and listen, quite frankly, I find it really really hard to stay in touch with you as friends when I still have feelings for you[22:02] He: ok[22:07] He: That's fine[22:09] She: the whole "maybe someday, again" uncertainty, delusional though it is, is just one more vehicle for agonizing stress and heartbreak[22:14] He: I can respect that

Is that it? Is that IT?? I don't know what I was expecting. I didn't feel anything at the time but now I kind of want to cry.

I feel as lost and rootless as I ever have... seriously, there's this gaping void right there in the pit of my stomach. It feels bottomless. Whereas there were knots and a yearning to fill it before, now it's just hollow and black. I didn't really realize how much hope I had in him. I feel completely disconnected and unattached to anything, to anyone. I swear sometimes I can feel the scars forming. On top of that, I feel like I am completely ridiculous for attaching to anyone, because ultimately, everyone lies, gives up on me, leaves. I want to cut my heart out, I don't want to form any connections, nor do I want the urge to form connections. I want to be completely self-sufficient and shut everyone out. And y'know, for the longest time, this worked for me,  I didn't let me down, I could always count on me to uphold and execute my high expectations for myself.

But these past few years, I've let me down, I've failed myself. And in periods like that, what's kept me going is the hope that other people have for me; their hope and faith in my redemption and ability to be forgiven. And he was so faithful, more faithful than I ever deserved anyone to be to me. I don't understand how, if that was love, it could just terminate. And that of course leads me to believe that it's not love that failed, but me who failed love. I was that terrible so as to sabotage the most perfect miracle of a gift to ever bless humankind. And if I fucked that up, what hope do I ever have of it happening to me ever again, and if it does, I'd just lose it again and have to go through all this pain again. I say "again," like it ever stopped hurting since August.

I'm not sorry I said anything to him tonight... I'm not, because it needed to be said and I have been wanting to say it since, whenever that was, Christmas, that he started getting back in touch with me. But, God, when the silly chat window popped up "[He] is offline," I felt the bottom drop out of me. We're talkin' MGM Tower of Terror, 199 ft drop. That just made it final.

I feel like there's nothing left of me. I can't take another hurt.

"Dance, little tin goddess, dance"