Walked again today =)
My intake: cranberry juice, smoothie, energy drink, bean soup, and zucchini. But now is the hard part of the day. THE NIGHTTIME EATINGS OMGZ. I am going to try really really hard to stick to my no-eating-after-dark rule. I have to get used to the idea that hungry (slight hungry) is neither scary ("I'M NEVER GONNA EAT AGAINNNN") nor a reason to think "HEY I'M HUNGRY I CAN EAT MOAAAAR!!!"
I am going to try vegetarian, g-free, and anti-inflammation for a week or so.Well I'm hoping for the g-free to extend indefinitely, but we'll see how vegetarian goes. I do have a new motivation to stay away from White Stuff, though, that I think is much more compelling than my last reason (which was something to the effect of "It'll make you fat Oh wait, you're already fat, might as well pig out WHEEEEE"). No but really. I want to try to preserve the new nice skin that the chemical peel gave me. That's all. =)
My situation at work has got me really bummed out. As soon as I got off today, I looked at CM across the street and had the "omgz FUD bakery BINGE" urge. Yet again another example of how I use food for comfort and reassurance. Bad. Also got passive-aggressively bitched at by a man ("You know, I just now called my friend at _____ and I have $200 of books over there that I'm going right now to buy ALL BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME PRINT OFF MY COUPONS FOR MY MEMBERSHIP CARD RAAAAAAWR GLARE GLARE GLARE"). Ok, so maybe that capitalized part was a slight over-exaggeration of what he actually said. But the first part is a direct quote. Sigh. And now, even just rethinking about it (and feeling like I overate today??? wtf?!) I want to "blow it" and binge. I think I'm gonna go shop though...
Which brings me to my next point for the day - I need to not shop. I need like 2 more things that I'm getting tonight and then I should be tided over to metamorphose. I have no less than 5 sizes of pants sitting in my various clothing storage vessels. So. After these two things, no more shopping, unless ABSOLUTELY DRESS-CODE-REQUIRED for any new job I may or may not get.
My third point: since my all-time high about a week or week-and-a-half ago, I've lost 6 lbs. I'm writing this on here for accountability, not to brag or anything. I'm writing that so I can't go off and binge a few days straight and be like lol omg i cant lose wt but im dieting rite and evrythng!1!!!!1! So there. I already notice the difference in my face. No bloat, yaaaay.
I'm still hurting. I feel like I've cleared a whole lot of the crap out of my life in the past month or so (including the Great Purge of Stored Scrapbook Materials from College, aka, The 3 Days During Which I Stayed Up til 2 AM Scrapbooking and Sobbing Along to LND), but there is one major major thing in which I haven't been able to find resolution. But there is still a gaping wound that I'm effectively burying via still-binging-but-on-healthy-foods-instead-of-desserts. If today is a success, it will be the first day of truly eating normally since. Um. Er. Ever? No. Probably since I was in treatment last year.
Part of the thing that accentuated the Hurt today was that I got a phone call from the alumni association of my alma mater. I still feel ashamed of my degree. I feel shame and guilt and pain from the last 2 years of my college experience. To think about it opens up all these canyons of emptiness, of "Oh, well, what the hell are you doing now? Oh, working retail? Seriously? With a college degree? And it took you how long to find that job? And yet you're still grossly under-qualified for it?"
Just, ow.
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Jaguar, I have so many things to say about this post.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, you are NOT, and I can't emphasize this enough, fat. You are normal, my dear, and far smaller than most. You have less to lose than the both of us, anyway. You put SUCH a ridiculous amount of pressure on yourself. I don't know how you have room for anything else in your brain, with all these impossible standards you hold yourself to. Which might be part of the problem, I think you spend so much time thinking about these imagined "shortcomings" that you don't spend time thinking about anything else. You have to relax about it. You have to relax about you. You are an average weight (scratch that, the average is fatter than you. On the smaller side of healthy weight is more accurate.), college educated, upper middle class, pretty girl. And you have been most of that your whole life. Realize that, and try and put yourself in the scope of humans on this planet.
Eating, and how you eat, DOES NOT define you or your worth. The worth of your day is not based on the food you ate. The worth of your life has nothing to do with how much or how little food you ate, what you ate, or when you ate it. Try and eat well, but if you don't, your world will stay the same.