Been Ages

I've been feeling shitty lately. Really terrible. Going to the doctor in a few weeks.

A few days ago I went to the gym and was doing interval runs on the treadmill and had a stomach cramp so bad I almost passed out. It was the worst thing I've felt in a long time.


Fell off the wagon HARD the day after that. I felt so bad. I'm talking... Whataburger chicken fingers, fries, gravy, and THEN cookies and cream ice cream. That kind of fall off the wagon. I think I was trying to self medicate, ironically. Make my abdominal issues better by.... binge eating. Not sure I thought that one through.

Aside from that, been doing OK. Still no results. At all. I think I'm coming to terms with it. Maybe my mindset has developed into "Wait until the doctor." Stay the course, but wait to see what the doctor says.


What about you guys? Any noteworthy achievements, or noteworthy frustrations?

I'm Still Here!

BAH! Sorry guys. I fell off the face of the planet. I also fell off the face of my diet and exercise routine. Seriously, when I have lots on my mind, those are the first things to go. I've just been wrapped up in writing final papers, job interviews, worrying about how to pay for the final 12 months of my education, etc. It's been difficult. I did go to the gym on Monday, but I haven't been back since. And I've been eating all right....

Ugh.

And hey where'd Jaguar go? She's not on the authors list on the side panel anymore. :(

A Downer Day

I am so frustrated right now, again.

One of the deans of the weekend program sent me an e-mail last night expressing concern over my pharmacy grade, and then when I e-mailed my professor about the final exam this morning, he sent me back an e-mail basically saying "you shouldn't even be passing, really."

I've been busting my ass since January. I've had ISSUES in every single aspect of my life. I feel like, ending this semester, all I can say is that I got out alive.And you know what, before last night, that was enough for me. I wasn't happy about it, but I wasn't upset about it, either. It just Was. But after those 2 e-mails, I'm dragged down everywhere; I don't feel like I've made any progress in life whatsoever, not with the grandma issue, the food issue, the self-EVERYTHING issue. I'm just here, 3.5 months later, 20 lb fatter.

I can't conjure any reason to keep trying except to not fail the semester (grades-wise, b/c I've already failed myself), and who's to say that THAT'S even possible with the pharmacology issue. I feel dead. I might as well be.

*Click*

So, this morning, I woke up and went downstairs for breakfast, mixed up some pancakes and eggs, was cooking them, when I realized... "I don't even want this." and instead of just eating it anyway, I threw it away and made myself some fresh-squeezed orange juice and sparkling water. It was like, whoa.

Started Hydroxycut and acai cleanse today. Results by end of week?

Even after all the partying last night (including what seemed like a perfectly appropriate number of Keebler chocolate chip cookies after my peanut butter sandwich for my post-bar snack) I actually was down in weight this morning.

That was just what I needed. I'm sore from dancing. What a great night.

Fail edishun

...yeah.

I miss him more than I thought I would.

I don't know what to do, how to change. It's binge or starve.

Why do I go and look back? It always ends in tears.

Unrelated:

Alright, Still

Sorry for not posting these past two days, I've been busy and tired.

I'm still a little dragged down. I've been doing alright, had a bit of a slip yesterday with not eating lunch till 4 and eating like a cup of reeses pieces. Aside from that, I've been doing well. Still no results. At all. It's a little disheartening. I know I need to keep at it, but... it's just hard to care a lot when you don't see the immediate results of your efforts.


TBH, I think I'm not regular enough. I'm thinking of buying Metamucil or something :-P

I've worked out every day except yesterday (if we're counting cleaning, which I think I should. I busted my ass doing that) so that's good news.



I don't understand my body.

Sliding

I did bad eating-wise yesterday. I was fine until 6 pm, but then I went to a party. And even though it was a healthy-eating, wraps n pita chips party, I know I still ate way more calories than I should have. Today, too, will be bad, cause I'm going to be on the road and therefore eating out. And then going to a birthday party and... yeah.

But I'm still excited! I went to the gym 5 days this week, wait no 4. But I danced on Tuesday so that counts. And today I'm going up to Dahlonega, GA with three of my closest friends to see what the mountains look like in springtime!

I'd say it's been a pretty good week for me. I did go and weight myself on Thursday morning before my cardio, and the scale put me at 149.6, which is as heavy as I was when I get here in August. I got down to 141 in early November, so this means I've regressed. But it's okay, because as Jaguar says, it's not all about weight. And I am still at least half a size smaller than I was when I got here. Maybe those extra 8ish pounds are muscle? I know I've gained alot of muscle mass, particularly in my arms/shoulders/back/abs.

Whatevs. I'm not givin' up!

Hear, hear

Now girls, let us not shirk our blogging duties and shining hopes so early on!

My past few days have sucked. Bad eating, bad drama, bad school, bad exercise. I'm not off the wagon, but I'm teetering a bit. A lot bit. But here's to tomorrow being a better day.

Blog domination

Two things.

My new motivation and desktop background -

And -

Cause I Have To

So I have nothing really productive to say, but I promised I'd post at least once a day on here so.... here's goes.

Actually, I think I'll take this opportunity to share some tasty-looking yet healthy recipes.

First up: Grilled Pepper, Onion and Sausage Calzones!
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=1906368

Even found a dessert: Grilled Banana Splits
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=1886344

Of course, I can't make this one cause I don't have a grill, but oh well!

Argh

No workout yesterday. First time since Sunday. I'm really sore and I went on a bit of a fit and cleaned my whole apartment. Like, on my knees, scrubbing shower grime. I burned a bit doing that, I feel sure. For two whole hours.

Eating has been pretty on par. Still eating more often, smaller meals. Slipped once, ate half a pint of ice cream... Ben ate the rest, thank goodness. Aside from that, my calorie count has been decent, still a little low, but that should be good right? And it's all been coming from pretty good places.

It's Thursday... I have till Sunday to notice improvement, as per what I said before. Not an ounce different yet. Bleh. What's the point?

A Short Post

...because I woke up in such a dang good mood this morning, I want to share.

I can't even describe how rewarded I feel. For the first time in a long time (probably since late HS), I'm really, truly happy with what I'm doing. I picked nursing, or, nursing picked me, and I feel already like I've settled into my calling. On my way driving home from Dolly's apartment last night, it struck me: my purpose in this life is to share my joy, my light, my hope, my love, my optimism, and bring healing to people in whatever form Healing is needed in each individual. I am my name. I was created to help. I suffered through the trials of early HS and late college so that I could grow sympathy, compassion, and a heart for others. I was shown selfless love so that I could show it to anyone, everyone. I was shown hurt so that I could understand hurt.

On top of all that semi-deep nonsense, again, for the first time in a long time, I woke up when my first (of three) alarms went off, I auto-piloted on turning it off, and I laid back down, expecting that wave of defeat and pain to pass through me like it does most mornings, the feeling of "How can I do this? How can I fight another day? I've fought for too long, and I'm tired; I'm weary to my soul." You know what? It didn't. I laid there for about 15 minutes before I decided, "You know what? I'm ready for today. I'm ready to spread what light I can spread over the next 18 hours. Whatever I have in me to give today, I want to give; I'm ready to give again."

I know how a single unexpected smile or kind word can turn a no-good, awful, horrible, terrible day into an amazing one. I know how some simple gesture can fill a day with warmth. And that's what I do. That's who I am.

I am.

Moar. Drama.

Yes.

Didn't work out today, bleh. I need to either move my energy drink to earlier in the day or stop drinking them. They keep me up too late and so I don't wake up well in the morning. Lame.

Might work out tomorrow. Pharm test on Friday ughhh. Hmm, I could bring my notes with me to the gym and walk instead of run... hmmmm.

Good day today overall. Turned in my promotion application at work, we'll see what happens there.

Dreadddd

Did well today. Amanda baked cupcakes. Thirty-six of them. And I did not eat a single one. I went to the gym and lifted weights again. It's tomorrow that is the problem. On Thursdays, I actually have to go to the gym and do cardio. This week in my workout plan I am only supposed to do 20 minutes, so it's not that bad, but I am still dreading it.

On another random note, does anyone else enjoy sore muscles? I am finding that I do. I kind of feel like a bad ass cause I know I'm getting some nice definition. Or that I will in a few weeks.

Long Day

I'm freaking exhausted, but only because my Tuesdays begin at 6:45 and end at 11 pm after 3 hours of swing dancing. I did well today, as far as eating goes. Frankly, this part is easier for me, I think, because I am living on such a tight budget. I plan out my meals for the week, and only buy the stuff I need for that, so I don't have snack food or excess food lying around. I did indulge in some Hershey kisses at my friend's house tonight (while watching GLEE!), but that was still within my calorie count.

I'm still on track with exercising. Sort of. I'm supposed to get in 20 minutes of cardio on T/Th, and I usually count swing dancing as my cardio on Tuesday, but I'm almost positive I didn't get in my required 20 minutes of elevated heart rate. Oh well. I still did my ab exercises.

Blech. I am ridiculously tired.

OMGWTFGYM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whee. I had a great day except for getting wicked sunburned.

Ran today at the gym (I has a gym!). Not very long or very fast, but I did it. Twice a day is my goal until I'm back in the 120s.

I've had like ten ka-jillion grams of fiber today. My stomach hurts.

BUT I've successfully done raw food + yogurt only. My gastrics are paying for it. 

This is a silly post tonight b/c I wrote two long-ass ones yesterday.

ELL OH ELL!!!

And now this:

In other news... I pretty much think I'm the greatest again. Who am I? I'm the girl who doesn't have problems exercising! Who doesn't have problems dieting! THIS IS ME, THIS IS JAG!! Being a person for 20/22 years of one's life... That's WHO. I. AM.

I AM!!!

P.S. just to prove it again... 

I can't lift my arms above my head.

Found an amazing website. A little disgusting, a little intriguing. Thank you, Hondo's!

Did a free personal training thing today. I made the mistake of telling him that I needed upper body work. I almost threw up. He kicked my ass so hard. Driving home was PAINFUL.

Didn't even stay for the cardio I had been planning on doing. It's OK though, strength training is important. Wish I could afford a trainer though. I would never be able to push myself the same way.



Might be doing some striptease aerobics with some friends soon, too. I'm super stoked about it. Next week, I'm gonna see results. I should see results. I have to. If what I've been doing this week doesn't show results, at LEAST water weight or something, I might go out of my mind.

SO MANY ACTIVITIES!!

So, another topic that came up in the Dramatic Conversation last night was that of a Thought-Tracking Pie Chart. I proposed the question to my companion of "What does a 'normal' person think about?" because I know that my thought process occupation has been skewed for years.

Another thing I know about myself (sorry, I didn't quite mean for this to become the Jag-Self-Discovery blog, anyone else is welcome to post as superfluously as I do) is that for me, relationships have always been a sideline, if they've registered on my radar at all. Usually it's just been something that comes along, and, since it's convenient and I don't have to do any of the pursuing work, I go with the flow. I don't put effort into them, generally. But once they're over! Oh! THAT is when Jag shines with all her self-discovery "I'll change, I promise!" bending-over-backwards to please and appease. Because THAT is when KFKD speaks up. Nay, BLARES.

Anyway. Courtesy of Excel, we have:

Jag's Everyday Brain


Jag's CRISIS OMG Brain


Jag's Ideal Brain


And you know what else I've come to realize? I'm anal. That's who I am. I obsess. I plan. THAT'S WHO I AM. And I don't have to try and change that! It's as inherent to me as my hair or eye color. It works for me.

Ok. That's it for me. Until tomorrow, Top Gun Girls.

Radio Station KFKD

LE POST!

First. There - was - DRAMA last night. I mean.  And it was not Jag-drama, it was someone-else-drama. That Jag was involved with. Unintentionally. That's all I want to say about it (on the blog. Face-to-face or on AIM... y'all might be hearing about it).

Mmmkay. So anyway, I wake up to a text from Said Person, and have a minor (very minor!) melt-down. Melt-down --> craving for pancakes. Did not eat them!! Guess what I did instead? READ A BOOK! Namely, finished a book that I had started reading at work (Women, Food, and God). And you know what? It worked. It worked! Craving went away. Was I hungry when I had the craving? No. Did that make me want them any less? Only a little, because (as a result of reading said book) I did have the presence of mind to realize that the (minor) emotional trauma was the reason why I wanted food, and not because of any physiological need. So the day went on without further melt-down.

Tomorrow, I am joining the gym and officially starting the Green Smoothies Diet. I had my first one today though! Check me out:

 Pardon the jacked-up hair, I had not looked in the mirror all day.

= yogurt, strawberries, orange, Truvia, and... ZUCCHINI!

So yeah. I'm excited for it. 

ONTO THE MEAT OF IT (though I shan't be consuming any for awhile!)

Roth writes:

"Most of us are so enthralled with the scary tigers in our minds - our stories of loneliness, rejection, grief - that we don't realize they are in the past. They can't hurt us anymore. When we realize that the stories we are haunted by are simply that - stories - we can be with what we actually feel directly, now, in our bodies... And by being in immediate contact with what we feel... We see that we are so much more than any particular feeling..."

 I was kind of floored at that. I've been allowing myself to be controlled by and chained to this past self that, while it does have an influence on who I am, who I've become, is not that by which I am defined. It is not set in stone, unchangeable, for all of eternity, just because I had 2 bad years.

This morning, as I was reading, the quote that finally turned me around and made the tears stop flowing (yes, I was crying and reading simultaneously), was when Roth says that we, as women who are emotionally-influenced eaters, "need to remember two things: to eat what [we] want when [we're] hungry and to feel what [we] feel when [we're] not." Before that point, I had just been white-knuckling the choice to not go make pancakes. After I read that sentence, I stopped myself, checked in with my belly, it said it was not hungry. So then I checked in with Jag. What's happening here? I feel sad. What is the worst that can come of being sad? I'll cry. You are crying. Is it so bad? I guess not. Will the crying eventually stop? Yes. Will it still hurt while it's happening? Yes. Will you cry again? Yes. Will those tears be any scarier or more unbearable?  No. And that was it. I went on to have a fairly productive and happy day. I didn't have the urge to binge tonight, or to reward myself for resisting earlier temptation.

Insofar as the subject of this post, which I wonder if you were wondering about, Anne Lamott is cited in Roth's book as originating the phrase. Radio Station KFKD (sound it out in your  head, it took me awhile to "get" it, ha) is that Voice in your head. The berating one. The one who tells you how worthless and hopeless and irredeemable you are. From Freud's perspective, it is the superego, the parent, the inner critic. I was so relieved to read this as I realized that KFKD has been rulin' my waves for my entire life. For me, KFKD is an essential aspect of my self-identity. When I don't listen to KFKD, my life collapses around me (see: the past months since Thanksgiving). I work with this voice, I feed off of its negative energy as a competitive challenge. So this was one aspect of the book in which I disagreed with Roth, even though I loved the way it was called, and I think I will start referring to it as such on this blog.

Another part that really stuck out to me (and I don't really know any of y'all's childhoods well enough to know if it would be applicable or not) was this:

"Parents... pass on their own definitions of success and spirituality, love and creativity, which are inevitably out of sync with their child's unique needs.

Children are tropistic; they grow in the direction of light and attention. That which is ignored in childhood does not develop. If a child is valued for her accomplishments, she will learn to value what she does more than who she is..."

 I know this adjustment between my parents' definition of me and my definition of me was probably one of the major factors contributing to the development of my eating disorder, accentuated by an extended period of living out home and not "moving out" (I put it in quotes, b/c, really, how many college-aged kids move out and 100% support themselves? precious few). Who am I, where am I, what do I want, I think that my ability to answer these questions for myself and tear myself away from my parents' answers of them has been greatly handicapped and really is just now starting to reveal itself to me. I'm a small clone of my mother, really, I am. In a lot of ways. Not all.

Which brings me to my final point, the point at which I pointed and laughed and cried "SHE KNOWS ME! BITCH STALKED ME TO WRITE THIS BOOK!":

"There are two kinds of compulsive eaters: Restrictors and Permitters.

Restrictors believe in control. Of themselves, their food intake, their environments. And whenever possible, they'd also like to control the entire world. Restrictors operate on the conviction that chaos is imminent and steps need to be taken now to minimize its impact... if I limit my food intake, I limit my body size. If I limit my body size, I (believe I can) limit my suffering. If I limit my suffering, I can control my life. I make sure that bad things don't happen. The chaos stays away... If less of me shows, that's less to get hurt. If I cut myself off at the knees, then I won't have far to fall when someone else brings out their sword.

 ...Permitters find any kind of rules abhorrent... They are suspicious of programs, guidelines, eating charts... Permitters prefer going through life in a daze. That way, they don't need to feel pain - theirs or anyone else's. If I'm not aware of it, there's nothing to fix... I don't need to be concerned about the future because I won't be aware of it. If I give up trying, I won't be disappointed when I fail... Permitters merge with [the chaos]. They see no point in controlling the uncontrollable and have decided that it's best to be blurry and numb and join the party... their lives depend on denial in the same way that Restrictors' lives depend on deprivation."

 Where are you?

I did it!

Totally went to the gym after class today. And I've been pretty good about calories too. I've only consumed 1500 so far (I already ate dinner), and this week I'm doing 1800 calorie days. I even managed to resist the temptation to eat a slice of cake for dessert. Instead, I just cut one bite with my fork. Sometimes I think the hard part about not eating all the cakes my roommate bakes is that I know they taste really good. It isn't that I'm hungry for them or want to eat a whole slice, I just want to taste it. So I did!