Been Ages

I've been feeling shitty lately. Really terrible. Going to the doctor in a few weeks.

A few days ago I went to the gym and was doing interval runs on the treadmill and had a stomach cramp so bad I almost passed out. It was the worst thing I've felt in a long time.


Fell off the wagon HARD the day after that. I felt so bad. I'm talking... Whataburger chicken fingers, fries, gravy, and THEN cookies and cream ice cream. That kind of fall off the wagon. I think I was trying to self medicate, ironically. Make my abdominal issues better by.... binge eating. Not sure I thought that one through.

Aside from that, been doing OK. Still no results. At all. I think I'm coming to terms with it. Maybe my mindset has developed into "Wait until the doctor." Stay the course, but wait to see what the doctor says.


What about you guys? Any noteworthy achievements, or noteworthy frustrations?

I'm Still Here!

BAH! Sorry guys. I fell off the face of the planet. I also fell off the face of my diet and exercise routine. Seriously, when I have lots on my mind, those are the first things to go. I've just been wrapped up in writing final papers, job interviews, worrying about how to pay for the final 12 months of my education, etc. It's been difficult. I did go to the gym on Monday, but I haven't been back since. And I've been eating all right....

Ugh.

And hey where'd Jaguar go? She's not on the authors list on the side panel anymore. :(

A Downer Day

I am so frustrated right now, again.

One of the deans of the weekend program sent me an e-mail last night expressing concern over my pharmacy grade, and then when I e-mailed my professor about the final exam this morning, he sent me back an e-mail basically saying "you shouldn't even be passing, really."

I've been busting my ass since January. I've had ISSUES in every single aspect of my life. I feel like, ending this semester, all I can say is that I got out alive.And you know what, before last night, that was enough for me. I wasn't happy about it, but I wasn't upset about it, either. It just Was. But after those 2 e-mails, I'm dragged down everywhere; I don't feel like I've made any progress in life whatsoever, not with the grandma issue, the food issue, the self-EVERYTHING issue. I'm just here, 3.5 months later, 20 lb fatter.

I can't conjure any reason to keep trying except to not fail the semester (grades-wise, b/c I've already failed myself), and who's to say that THAT'S even possible with the pharmacology issue. I feel dead. I might as well be.

*Click*

So, this morning, I woke up and went downstairs for breakfast, mixed up some pancakes and eggs, was cooking them, when I realized... "I don't even want this." and instead of just eating it anyway, I threw it away and made myself some fresh-squeezed orange juice and sparkling water. It was like, whoa.

Started Hydroxycut and acai cleanse today. Results by end of week?

Even after all the partying last night (including what seemed like a perfectly appropriate number of Keebler chocolate chip cookies after my peanut butter sandwich for my post-bar snack) I actually was down in weight this morning.

That was just what I needed. I'm sore from dancing. What a great night.

Fail edishun

...yeah.

I miss him more than I thought I would.

I don't know what to do, how to change. It's binge or starve.

Why do I go and look back? It always ends in tears.

Unrelated:

Alright, Still

Sorry for not posting these past two days, I've been busy and tired.

I'm still a little dragged down. I've been doing alright, had a bit of a slip yesterday with not eating lunch till 4 and eating like a cup of reeses pieces. Aside from that, I've been doing well. Still no results. At all. It's a little disheartening. I know I need to keep at it, but... it's just hard to care a lot when you don't see the immediate results of your efforts.


TBH, I think I'm not regular enough. I'm thinking of buying Metamucil or something :-P

I've worked out every day except yesterday (if we're counting cleaning, which I think I should. I busted my ass doing that) so that's good news.



I don't understand my body.

Sliding

I did bad eating-wise yesterday. I was fine until 6 pm, but then I went to a party. And even though it was a healthy-eating, wraps n pita chips party, I know I still ate way more calories than I should have. Today, too, will be bad, cause I'm going to be on the road and therefore eating out. And then going to a birthday party and... yeah.

But I'm still excited! I went to the gym 5 days this week, wait no 4. But I danced on Tuesday so that counts. And today I'm going up to Dahlonega, GA with three of my closest friends to see what the mountains look like in springtime!

I'd say it's been a pretty good week for me. I did go and weight myself on Thursday morning before my cardio, and the scale put me at 149.6, which is as heavy as I was when I get here in August. I got down to 141 in early November, so this means I've regressed. But it's okay, because as Jaguar says, it's not all about weight. And I am still at least half a size smaller than I was when I got here. Maybe those extra 8ish pounds are muscle? I know I've gained alot of muscle mass, particularly in my arms/shoulders/back/abs.

Whatevs. I'm not givin' up!